Grand Theft Neutron
by Le Rusecue
Summary: The most random Jimmy Neutron story you will ever read. Guaranteed. Jimmy Neutron is property of whoever created him.
1. Let's Get Some Beers!

**Disclaimer: This would be a long list if I were to say it all individually. So I'll just say the generic comment "All characters are property of their respective owners"**

**Happy now? Good.**

The trio of young friends sat in the violet low-rider, which sped through Retroville at incredible speeds. Laying in the back seat of the car was the inebriated Carl Wheezer, who's head was covered in a red bandanna. As usual, he wore glasses, but instead of the usual frames, he wore root beer brown sunglasses. Sitting up front, in the passenger's seat, sat Sheen Estevez, who wore what most would call a "pimp suit". A purple suit that looked almost light pink, and a matching hat that had a rather large white feather sticking out of it. Sitting next to the wannabe pimp was Jimmy Neutron, who wore a light blue shirt that had a pattern of yellow flowers on it.

"Let's go get us some beers!" Carl proposed.

"I'm down wit dat!" Sheen said.

"Aight," Jimmy said as he pressed several buttons. "Hold onto yo seats like you hold onto yo bitches, cause it's about to get bumpy!" and with that, Jimmy pressed one last button. The trunk of the car popped right open, and a huge rocket raised out. Flames shot out of the back of the rocket, and the car sped down the street, leaving flaming tracks in it's wake.

Meanwhile, Nick, the leader of the only gang in town, walked slowly across the street, fists jammed in his pockets as he chewed on a toothpick. He stopped dead in his tracks, and then looked down the street, just in time to see a purple low rider skid around the corner. "What the fuck?" he said to himself as he narrowed his eyes to see who was driving. As soon as he saw Neutron, he whipped his pistol out. But then, he noticed how fast the car was going. All he had time to do was utter his final sentence: "Holy shit!"

The car smacked into him at full speed, sending him high in the air. His lifeless body flipped around a few times as it went up, and then fell back down to earth, landing in a casket that was already in a hole. Up above the hole, there was a blank headstone. The only thing on the piece of marble was an object which resembled a flusher found on a toilet. Next to it, stood the legendary Cotton Hill.

Megaman, one of the gravediggers, took of his helmet to mourn the lost soul. "See you in Hell, boy!" Cotton shouted as he pulled down on the handle. The casket spun around in the dirt, raised up, and then sunk down into the earth.

"What the hell did we just hit?" Carl wondered as he looked back, having to almost shout over the rocket.

"Who the hell cares?" the boy said. "Long as we ain't caught, I don't give a shit!"

As the friends shared a laugh, another trio walked out in the middle of the street. Three members of Nick's gang were gathering where their leader had been hit. "That motherfucker!" Butch exclaimed. "That shithead Neutron just killed our leader!"

"We should kill that motherfuck!" Terry shouted. Just as he said this, a beeping noise was heard. Dale Gribble, the third member who had come to that location, checked his watch.

"Looks like it's that time again." Dale said. He pulled a glock pistol out of his jumpsuit, and proceeded to fill Terry full of hot lead. "Sorry Terry."


	2. Bar Room Shootout

Later that same day, the trio of friends arrived at Moe's Tavern. They went into the bar, being greeted by the tavern's regular alumni, and then sat down on separate stools. Moe filled their glasses to the top, where it foamed, and they proceeded to drink the day away.

"Know what would make this shit better?" Sheen said as he raised his half full glass.

"Ho's?" Jimmy answered.

"Ho-Ho's?" Carl said.

"No, not ho-ho's you fat son of a bitch!" Sheen shouted. "Weed." he said.

"Weed?" Jimmy and Carl said in unison. Though it didn't get through their drunken skulls at first, it eventually got through. "Weed." they said again, drawing it out as long as their vocal chords would allow. It was then that a local school counselor, Mr. Mackey, stood up from his stool.

"Drugs are bad, m'kay?" he said. Everyone in the bar turned their heads to look at him.

"He's right." Carl said, breaking the silence and shifting the looks to him. "Drugs can kill your brain cells and make you do things you won't remember, and probably regret later on. They can also lead to addiction, which will ultimately destroy your life, either by having you end up in jail, or end up overdosing."

As soon as Carl finished his little speech, the words **"The More You Know!" **appeared above him.

"What the hell!" Sheen exclaimed. An angered expression appeared on Moe's face as soon as the word's appeared.

"I thought I told you mother fuckers to never come back!" he screamed as he reached under the bar. When his hands came back from under the bar, they held a double barrel shotgun.

"Oh shit, we getting' our pieces out now?" Sheen said. And with that, all of the men proceeded to pull out their guns.

"Whoa, fuck!" the mouth on the letter M of the word "More" said. More jumped away from the rest of the words, just in time to avoid being filled with lead like his fellow jumble of letters. The word landed on Mr. Mackey, crushing the lollipop built man with it's M. The r bent forward, picked up the counselor's pistol, and then blindly fired into the crowd of patrons, who all returned fire, except for Sam, who was killed by the random bullets.

After the word was killed, Sam fell out of his stool, his dead hand dropping the gun as he fell. The pistol hit the ground, and went off, firing a single bullet into Carl Carlson's foot. The black man fell to the ground with a loud thud, as Lenny Leonard's mouth dropped wide open. His eyes shifted from his injured friend, to the corpse of Sam.

"You motherfucker!" he shouted, raising his arm to point his pistol at the corpse. He fired every single round of his weapon into the body. Larry, who had not realized Sam was already dead by the point, returned fire, hitting Lenny in his eyes. Carl emptied his weapon in the direction of Larry, somehow managing to miss him entirely. Larry, after observing his body, shot Carl in the face.

"Stop killing my patrons!" Moe exclaimed, pointing the barrel of his shotgun at the four eyed man. He fired from both barrels, the lead smacking into his chest and sending him flying across the bar room floor. Barney Gumble, who had mostly been staying out of the action, raised up from his stool, gun in hand, and pointed it at Moe.

"Nobody kills my drinking buddies, except my," belch. "Drinking buddies!" another belch, as he fired the killing round into Moe Syzlack's forehead. Jimmy, Carl, and Sheen all cried out in horror, as they realized the bartender had been killed.

"You dumb fuck!" Jimmy shouted, pointing his .45 at the fat back of the Gumble man. Carl and Sheen did the same with their guns, and then the trio proceeded to empty their guns into the fat man's back. His blubber body fell forward to rest on the bar, and then it slid off and fell to the floor with the rest of the bodies.

"How the fuck are we supposed to buy beer now?" Carl asked sadly. The trio then left the bar, disappointed. As they left, a toilet flushing was heard, and then Homer Simpson walked out of the men's room. He observed his surroundings.

"What the fuck?" the yellow skinned man said. However, unlike the trio before him, he realized the opportunity for free beer when he saw it. He leapt over the counter, and wrapped his lips around the nozzle of the drink dispenser.


	3. Quickstop

With the alcohol resource gone, the trio figured they would do the next best thing: Get high. They walked across the street to the Quickstop, where Jay and Silent Bob stood, leaning against the wall of the convenience store.

"Jay, Silent Bob, what's up?" Jimmy asked as he approached the drug dealing duo.

"Nothing much, what'chu need little swirly haired man?" Jay asked. Jimmy reached in his back pocket, and then pulled his .45 out, placing it up against the stoner's forehead.

"All you got, motherfucker." Jimmy replied. As Jay reached into his jacket, Silent Bob stuck the barrel of his gun to Jimmy's temple. Carl and Sheen aimed their weapons at the fat drug dealer before he could kill their friend. Then, without any of them pulling the trigger of their guns, Jay and Silent Bob fell dead. Jimmy, Carl and Sheen looked back, and standing there, was a man in a long leather coat, holding a smoking gun in each hand.

"Thanks, Neo!" Jimmy said.

"Don't mention it, Jimmy." the man responded. Just then, two fishlike creatures walked out of the bar across the street. One of them, a sponge like fish, grabbed the starfish and pointed at Neo.

"Neo!" the starfish shouted. Neo looked over his shoulder, and then gasped.

"Oh shit." he said.

"Where's our fucking money!" the sponge exclaimed. Neo took off down the sidewalk, with the creatures following him in close pursuit.

"Get back here, you Keanu Reeves lookin' motherfucker!" the starfish called out. The trio prepared to chase after the creatures, but then, a man ran out of the Quickstop, cheering about his winning lotto ticket. He ran out in the middle of the street, and was hit by a speeding car. His lotto ticket flew out of his hands, attracting the trio's attention.

Needless to say, the crooks dashed after it. As they followed the ticket, a white van pulled up in front of the bar. A man with purple hair stepped out. He looked in the back of the van, making sure the little babies were still there. "Okay, kids, you stay here. Daddy's gotta go get some juice!" he said. He left the van and ran into the bar, so quick he forgot to close the door to the van. The babies slipped out of the car, and went across the street to the bodies of the dead dealers.

The five babies searched the dealer's bodies, finding some interesting contents. They took the contents of the bodies, and then went across the street to the lowrider, which they climbed into. After several moments of playing around, they got the car to start, and it sped down the street, partially driving over the sidewalk.


	4. The Near End of a Fucked up Day

The boys chased the lotto ticket all around Retroville, never seeming to be close enough to grab it. Luck seemed to be in their favor, when the ticket blew right into another young boy's shoe, stopping dead in it's tracks. Sheen ran to the boy, breathless after the long run.

"Yo, thanks for stopping' the ticket, dawg." the boy said. He reached for the ticket at the boy's feet, but the boy jumped back.

"No!" the boy with bloodshot green eyes shouted. "You'll never get my magic chalkie!" Sheen backed up, scared shitless at this boy's eyes. Carl pushed past Sheen, and picked up the lotto ticket.

"Relax, guys, this motherfucker's just had a little too much 'chalk dust.'" the fat boy said as he studied the ticket. The chalk dust addicted druggy leapt at Carl, slamming the fist that held his 'chalkie' down Carl's throat, deep down. Carl attempted to scream as he waved his arms around it panic, his cries for help muffled by this boy's fist. Jimmy and Sheen backed away.

"Holy fuck!" Jimmy shouted.

"This mother fucker's killing Carl!" Sheen shouted. The druggie's fist dove deeper down the fatty's throat. This scared Sheen and Jimmy so much it caused them to piss themselves. So they ran, for fear of what the druggie would do to them once he was done with Carl.

As the druggie continued to probe Carl's throat deeper, he failed to notice the pirate coming up behind him. The pirate in question, Captain Jack Sparrow, snuck up on the boy, and stabbed his sword through the druggy and Carl, killing them both. He pulled the now bloodied blade out of the two dead boy's and then noticed the nearby lotto ticket. He picked it up, and then walked off in his own little gay way.

As soon as Jimmy and Sheen got far enough away from the druggie, they stopped to catch their breath. "Shit, that was fucking crazy." Jimmy said.

"Yeah man, I almost shit myself!"

"Well, let's just go get so high we do shit ourselves!" Jimmy said. Sheen nodded in agreement. But when the two arrived at the Quickstop the search the dealers for their drugs, they found them empty handed…. And their parking space empty. The two walked back to Jimmy's apartment, both pretty pissed off. "I swear to God, if I find the fuck that stole my car, I'll rip his balls off and shove 'em down his mother fucking throat!"

"I heard that." Sheen said. When the two reached Jimmy's apartment building, they took the elevator to the top, and then went to Jimmy's room. Jimmy unlocked the door, and then let Sheen in.

"Holy shit, a quarter!" Jimmy said to himself. He walked to the corner, and picked up the quarter. As he did this, Sheen flipped on the light switch.

"Kill that motherfucker!" Butch shouted. He and Dale pumped poor Sheen full of lead. Luckily, Jimmy, who had just picked up his quarter, was quick to avenge his friend. He jumped in the doorway, and fire his pistol, killing both men. Their dead bodies stumbled backward, falling out the window in the back of the room.

Down below, a young skeleton like teenager, and his well fed dog sat. The teenager shivered, even with the thick blanket wrapped around his shoulders. The corpses landed in front of the two, and the boy became ecstatic.

"Looks like we're gonna eat good tonight, Scoob!" he shouted with glee. The dog looked at his owner, eyes glowing red.

"You mean I'm going to eat good tonight?" the demonic voiced dog said. The teen nodded frantically.

"Yes dark lord Scooby Doo." the teen said. A few moments later, the shaky teen fell to his knees and cried.

Jimmy dropped down to his knees, and held his dying friend. "Sheen, you gotta be okay man. How the hell am I gonna survive in this town without a baddass crew at my side?"

"Jimmy…"

"Talk to me, Sheen."

"Tell your mom… Tell your mom…" he struggled to say. "When I said vasectomy, I just meant getting kicked in the balls a lot."

"What! You scumbag motherfucker!" Jimmy shouted as he got out his pistol. "I'll teach you to fuck my mother!" he said as he put the gun to the dying man's head. He pulled the trigger, and sprayed Sheen's brains across his floor. Jimmy, realizing his only living friend was now dead in his arms, dropped his gun and started to bawl his eyes out. "Sheen, I'll avenge you god damn it!"

A boy with a football shaped head appeared in Jimmy's doorway. "Didn't you just kill him?" the boy asked. Jimmy stood up, still crying.

"Yes." he admitted. "But he was my friend!"


	5. The End

Jimmy and Arnold, the foot ball head, walked around the room in circles, the rotting body of Sheen Estevez in the center of it.

"What the hell do I do?" Jimmy asked. "Both my home boys are dead, and a whole mother fucking gang is after me!" he shouted. Arnold thought for a moment.

"I got an idea to kill all them mother fuckers." Arnold said as he snapped his fingers. "Your mom seems like a slutty bitch, so I'm sure she's got some pretty toxic shit in that pussy of hers. Why don't you send her up to their hang out, and have her fuck 'em all?"

Jimmy stared blankly at what may have been his only friend at that moment. And then he pulled his gun out and shot him in the forehead. Just after the boy was killed, the door swung open, revealing the short stature Mario. The plumber ran to the dead boy, picked up his corpse, and ran out the door. "The fuck was that about?" Jimmy pondered aloud. It was then a towel walked into Jimmy's room, holding a bong.

"You wanna get high?" it asked.

"Fuck yeah I do!"

Several hours later, Jimmy and Towelie laid around the room, stoned out of their minds. But in Jimmy's mind, they weren't laying around a room. They were riding Light cycles in a computer network. Jimmy was the 'red guy', while Towelie was the 'blue guy'.

"What the fuck is going on?" Jimmy asked himself.

"I dunno, but it's pretty goddamn trippy." Towelie said. Another blue guy rode up next to Towelie and Jimmy.

"Greetings." the man said.

"Shut up!" Towelie shouted, before taking a deep drag from his joint.

"You shut up, you stupid towel." the man said, deeply offended.

"You're a towel!"

"No…" the program started. He turned his light cycle to the right, making a path that Towelie mindlessly crashed into. "You're a towel!"

"Yo, man, why the fuck did you kill him!"

"Why do you care?" the man asked.

"He had all of the drugs!" Jimmy said.

"Oh…" just then, the man made a path before Jimmy, which Jimmy narrowly avoided.

"What the fuck, man!"

"I'm trying to kill you!"

"Why?"

"Because I don't like you, motherfucker!" the man shouted, once again trying to make Jimmy crash. It went on like this for a few minutes, though to Jimmy it seemed like hours, because he was so desperate to get his joint back. Jimmy eventually realized that this man was too fast for him, so to get him, he was going to have to play dirty.

He rode his light cycle towards Towelie's dead body, reaching his hand out to grab the towel. But as soon as he was in grabbing distance, Mario drove by, swiping the body up as he went. "God damn it!" Jimmy cried.

Mario drove his cycle to the cemetery, and stopped before a hole, which already had an opened casket in it. He threw the towel down, and Cotton Hill looked at the towel. "What the- Are you boys trying to prank me!"

"No sir, he was really dead!" Mario explained. Cotton shook his head.

"You two have disappointed me for the last time!" he said, picking up a shotgun from behind the tombstone. Mario and Megaman jumped on the light cycle, and took off to the game grid. In the distance, they saw Jimmy, carefully avoiding the light paths made by his adversary. They rode up next to Jimmy.

"Hiya Jimmy!" Mario shouted, waving his hand.

"What the fuck? Two people on one cycle? You fucking cheats!" the man shouted. He leapt from his cycle, and pierced right through the cycle, vaporizing Megaman, Mario, and the cycle.

"Didn't you just cheat the grid?" Jimmy asked as the man reappeared on his cycle.

"I'm Tron, motherfucker, I can cheat if I want!" the man shouted. Before he could make another move, Cotton Hill rode up next to him, holding Towelie.

"Take your damn towel!" he shouted, as he threw the towel in Tron's face. The towel blocked his vision long enough for Jimmy to get ahead of him, and make a light path right in front of him.

"Yes!" Jimmy shouted. "I win, I win motherfu-"

Jimmy crashed into one of his own walls.

Jimmy's eyes shot. He was no longer on the game grid. Now he was standing in the middle of nowhere, holding a blue light saber. He looked around, wanting to know where he was. His question was answered pretty quickly, when Darth Maul jumped at him with his staff light saber.

"Fuck!" Jimmy shouted, blocking the monster's attack. Neo ran through the back ground, chased by the sponge and the starfish, who were now wielding a knife and nun chucks, respectively. As soon as they saw Darth Maul, they stopped.

"Hey, there's Darth Maul!" the sponge shouted, pointing his blade at the sith master.

"That fuck owes us more money!" the starfish said angrily.

"Shit." Darth Maul said. He bolted past Jimmy, followed by the angry fish. Neo came back, and approached Jimmy.

"Neo, man, you gotta help me!" Jimmy said, dropping to his knees. Neo shook his head slowly, back and forth, back and forth. "Why not?" Jimmy asked. Neo pulled his gun out, and put it to the boy's forehead.

"Because you didn't try to help me when those crazy ass fucking fish came after me!"

And with that, Neo pulled the trigger.

And Jimmy's eyes shot open.

"Let's go get us some beers!" Carl proposed.

"I'm down wit dat!" Sheen said.

"Aight," Jimmy said as he pressed several buttons. "Hold onto yo seats like you hold onto yo bitches, cause it's about to get bumpy!" and with that, Jimmy pressed one last button. The trunk of the car popped right open, and a huge rocket raised out. Flames shot out of the back of the rocket, and the car sped down the street, leaving flaming tracks in it's wake.

Meanwhile, Nick, the leader of the only gang in town, walked slowly across the street, fists jammed in his pockets as he chewed on a toothpick. He stopped dead in his tracks, and then looked down the street, just in time to see a purple low rider skid around the corner. "What the fuck?" he said to himself as he narrowed his eyes to see who was driving. As soon as he saw Neutron, he whipped his pistol out. But then, he noticed how fast the car was going. All he had time to do was utter his final sentence: "Holy shit!"

The car smacked into him at full speed, sending him high in the air. His lifeless body flipped around a few times as it went up, and then fell back down to earth, landing in a casket that was already in a hole. Up above the hole, there was a blank headstone. The only thing on the piece of marble was an object which resembled a flusher found on a toilet. Next to it, stood the legendary Cotton Hill.

Megaman, one of the gravediggers, took of his helmet to mourn the lost soul. "See you in Hell, boy!" Cotton shouted as he pulled down on the handle. The casket spun around in the dirt, raised up, and then sunk down into the earth.

"What the hell did we just hit?" Carl wondered as he looked back, having to almost shout over the rocket.

"Who the hell cares?" the boy said. "Long as we ain't caught, I don't give a shit!"

**The End**

**Just think….. This story used to be a two chaptered parenthesis piece of shit, and now it's a five chapter neatly written piece of shit. I can't believe the last time I updated this was January 2nd of 2008.**


End file.
